Taking it one diet at a time

I stood on a bathroom scale one morning. When it begged for mercy, I knew it was time to start a diet. Later that day, I consulted a doctor, as you should always do before starting any diet program.

I told the doctor I wanted to have great abs and lean muscles everywhere. The doctor took one look at me and said, "Vince, we don't perform liposuction here."

"Very funny, Doc," I said."Can you help me or not?"

The doctor said, "Some people were meant to have ripped bodies and some were meant to have bodies like yours. Do you know why you weigh so much?"

"I have big bones," I answered.

"Nice try, Vince, but we both know that's not the right answer."

I didn't like his attitude so I ended the appointment and went to see another doctor that same day. I showed the second doctor a picture of Michael Vick and said, "What would it take for me to look like this?”

"A miracle," the doctor said as he laughed in my face.

"Can you help me get ripped or what?" I asked.

"Why is it so important for you to be ripped?" the doctor asked.

“I want to be the guy who takes off his shirt and walks around. You know, the guy who pretends he's oblivious to the fact that women are checking him out. Well, I want to be that guy."

"That seems rather shallow if you ask me," the doctor said.

'That's why I didn't ask you," I said. "Will you help me or not?"

The doctor looked me over from head to toe and said, "It will take a lot of work on your part, but if you're serious, l can help you become the shirtless guy."

"What do I need to do?" I asked.

“You'll need to work out two to three hours a day. I want you to eat seven to nine servings of fruits and veggies each day and minimize caloric intake. Think you can handle that?"

"That's the silliest thing I've ever heard in my life," I said. "There's no way I will find time to work out two to three hours a day."

"Have it your way," the doctor said before throwing me out of his office.

I went to see another doctor that same day. The third doctor, Dr. Zone. spoke my language. "Can you picture yourself walking along the beach in just a pair of Speedos?" he asked.

"No, I cannot," I said. "A pair of swim trunks, but definitely not a pair of Speedos."

"Well, I make dreams happen. Just take a look at my wall of fame," he said, pointing to before and after photos of some of his patients. "You'll be on that wall before you know it!"

To make a long story short, for the next six days, I followed the doctor's orders. This meant I avoided carbohydrates, ate massive amounts of red meat and became constipated. The diet was a runaway success.

Then came along a little thing called the Super Bowl. All my hard work was put to the test. One of my so-called friends didn't like the fact that I wouldn't partake in the carb-heavy Spread his wife had prepared for the guests. He questioned my doctor's credentials, after being told about my diet.

"Where did your doctor get his medical degree?”

"Dr. Zone went to Atkins University in South Beach," I said.

"Is that the school where they teach doctors that whole-grain bread and cereal is evil?"

"Are you jealous that I'm going to be able to walk around shirtless come this summer?" I asked.

"I wouldn't care if you wore just Speedos," my friend said.

"You are jealous!" I said.

Things got out of hand after that. My "friends" grabbed me and before I knew it, they forced me to eat a potato chip. Talk about truth in advertising, I couldn't eat just one. I woke up the next morning with chip crumbs everywhere.

Needless to say, I'm off the wagon now. Even worse, I don't have the guts to get back on. Until I find the courage, I'll walk around with my shirt on.